Whisperin' Update

So... the honeymoon with the Baby Whisperer was short. That was forever ago that we tried implementing all this new stuff. When I look back, we have done really well overall. I am doing a much better job of reading his cues (for sleep, for hunger or gas-- the Big Three) and so overall, there are fewer meltdowns-- for everyone.

However, I think I was delusional that he would just lie down in his little cradle and go to sleep and I would have all this free time! I did get her second book from the library yesterday and I did poke around on her website forum a few days ago. It has all made me feel better. The second book gets more into detail about HOW to do it all. The first book seemed to spend a lot of time trying to convince readers of the merits of a routine for babies and all that. I think I needed that 4 years ago. Now I see the necessity of a routine for my little ones so I want more practical stuff-- the HOW to make it work. The forum is just a bunch of regular folks talking about what has and hasn't worked for them. It made me realize that there are lots of ways to do it and it doesn't have to be EXACTLY like she says. Made me feel more comfortable taking from it what works for us.

So... we are still muddling through it. Still melting down sometimes but we're sticking to it. That's the story anyway.

FUCKS!

Here I sit drinking wine and eating leftover popcorn and wondering if I am allowed to put that as the title to this post.

Luna has taken to yelling this expletive over and over. Our usual reaction to cuss words is to ignore them and she doesn't usually make a big deal out of them. Let's just say that I cuss. A lot. Sometimes I cuss around my kid. The Mister does NOT.

So, in the past when she has let "Shit!" fly or something of the like, we have asked her if she is upset and redirected by talking about that. It feels like in her mind, there is not difference between expletives like "Shucks!" and "Dammit!" or "Jankers!" and "Jesus Christ!" (which IS a cuss word in the home in which I grew up-- in fact, there are three things you better not ever say in front of my mom, a cusser herself, and they are JESUS CHRIST, FUCK AND SHUT UP, in that order).

Every once in a while, Luna gets ahold of a phrase and says it slightly incorrectly-- i.e. "Fucks!" and it is just too damn cute. I end up giggling and then the word sticks around a little longer. When she said it today-- 3 or 4 times in a row, Stephen asked her what she said. He asked her if she said "Books"? "No. Fucks!" Stephen asked her what that word meant and she said, "I dunno. It is just something you say when you are mad."

Damn mothafuckin' straight it is... shit.

15 Years of Jello Hearts

1994: I first made jello hearts for my One True Love 15 years ago today. I took them over to his house in the afternoon. We sat around for a while and grinned at each other. Later on, when he was heading out on a date, he dropped by the Computer Lab at the Union where I was gearing up for an all-nighter and brought me a card.

1995: He called me from some island off the coast of Canada. Since we had still never kissed, I thought it was strange but it certainly made my heart flutter.

1996: I was playing hard to get at this point but I still gave him a used copy of Lady Chatterly's Lover AND jello hearts that year. A kiss was inevitable that spring.

1997-2000: Hmmmm.... living on separate ends of the earth, we still managed to exchange cards. Where was it all leading?

2001: He arrived at 10pm by train. I met him at the Flagstaff train station after 3 days en route. I had jello hearts for him. He had a duffle bag. He moved in to my place. We got engaged less than a month later and started planning a really fun weddin'.

PRESENT-DAY: We try to make it special without buying into the Hallmark BS. We get out and about. This year, we had a lunch date at our favorite Indian place. Tommy joined us but slept through the entire meal. Every year, he makes a homemade card and buys me a CD (usually Dolly Parton). I make him Jello Hearts. He doesn't really even like them but he eats them once a year. Now our children help me make them. We used to joke about making cute kids together. That was 15 years ago. We were right.

Baby Magic

A new sheriff moved into town yesterday and her name is "The Baby Whisperer". In an attempt to regain some sense of sanity, I decided to try to get Tommy on some kind of routine. I was given this book when I had Luna. We made some feeble attempts at it but never stuck with it. Ahem... we still hold hands for 30+ minutes every night.

The Baby Whisperer takes a pretty sane, moderate and DEFINITELY humane approach to sleep and general life with Baby. She is not down with the give-all-of-yourself-all-the-time model of attachment parenting that I had been using. Nor does she support the Evil Dr. Ferber's cry it out method. Her whole thing is about teaching your kid to fall asleep on his own WITHOUT ruining torturing anyone (I tried the cry it out thing once with Luna and I was definitely the one tortured by it).

Without getting too much into detail, I am floored that we are at the end of Day One and Tommy laid in bed for 15 minutes by himself and then finally went to sleep on his own. No crying! He just was in there talking to himself and staring at the light of the Full Moon on the wall. I am amazed! Luna has NEVER fallen asleep on her own except for one hot summer day when she fell asleep reading books naked on her bedroom floor.
Wish us luck for Night One!

Caffeine Headache

Really craving an afternoon cuppa. I was down to just one a day-- in the morning, but have allowed myself an afternoon cup lately. Didn't have one today and it is official-- I am addicted. My head is killing me. Indulge or abstain? Suggestions?

I know I DESERVE one, that is for sure. But as a nursing mama, I wonder if the baby really needs that second cup of ultra-strong tea.

Mmmmm... nothing like a cuppa Lyons.

Pregnancy Reflection, Part 1 (will there be a Part 2?)

It really was a great pregnancy. I have to admit that I experienced more doubts and nerves this time around. People close to me had recently experienced some very tough times. One of my closest friends lost a baby at 20 weeks and I can't pretend like that didn't scare the hell out of me. I really thought about it most around that time in my pregnancy but it felt like a reality (and not just like something that happens to strangers) all along. In addition to that, my sister-in-law who initially planned a home birth went into early labor at 29 weeks. She ended up having the baby at 32 weeks in a delivery very far from her ideal. The baby is very healthy now at 7 months but the whole family struggled through several weeks or having to leave him in a hospital every night and going home without their wonderful baby.

I felt healthy and relaxed but these two events really did shape my feelings while pregnant with this child. With Luna, I never let a shred of doubt or concern enter my field of vision. This time around was different as people so close to me had so recently experienced so much loss and heartache.

The other big difference was being so exhausted all the time. I had this other person who needed my attention more than ever so naps were not an option (I think I took 2 naps the whole pregnancy). Moon was wonderful and excited and so interested but I was keenly aware of how this new baby would affect her little world. The last few weeks were a balancing act between excited anticipation and guilt that "things would never be the same".

I also decided that I would be leaving my position as director of the program that I created-- my first baby. I am staying connected and will still support the other staff but I wanted a chance to stay home with a baby (I returned to work full-time at 4 months) and NOT pump everyday all day. As the baby grew, so did my feelings around this decision. I still feel like it was and is a great decision. Financially, it will be tough on our family as we will go down to one meager non-profit salary. We did this before but were not paying for private school at the time. More than that, though, I have long tied my identity to my work. I will need to figure out a good spot to land with all these mixed emotions. My primary identity for the past four years has been as MOM. However, I was also the director and creator of this really cool program of which i am quite proud. So, now I need to trust that it will take a new direction and still be an awesome program. My primary job now is to nourish and nurture my two children. I am grateful for the opportunity, thankful that we live in a manner which allows us to exist on very little. I am also a little sad some days and lonesome for the hustle and bustle of the work I do. I will get back to it-- just not at 40 hours a week. I need to remind myself of this and enjoy the moments with these little magical people.

One amazing aspect of this pregnancy was my regular massages with Sister Maureen. Our hospital provides free massages as part of your pre-natal care for those who want them. I adore Sister Maureen and came to rely on her as much for spiritual guidance as for the massage. She is a wise woman who always asks the right questions and even gives great advice--- sparingly. I actually miss our talks a lot and might just ask her to tea one day soon.

I felt distinctly older with this pregnancy. I decided early on that I needed to work hard at staying fit and flexible. I had forgotten lots about my first pregnancy but one thing I recalled vividly was the pain I felt in my hips! We joined the Y and I started going regularly. At a certain point, I stopped doing any "land" exercise and worked solely in the water. Luna and I went to Open Swim a few times a week those last few weeks and that always felt so good and was nice for us to spend that time together-- just the two of us. I started going regularly to a class called "Water Exercise". Its "students" were all at least 30 years older than me and two of them literally wheeled their little walker carts right up to the pool's edge. It was great fun! I worked hard at it and towards the end, had to stop doing many of the exercises focused on my abs but would just float around and tread water. The people in the class were great fun and always asking me about the baby. I even attended the class on Monday, Dec. 8th and went into labor later that night!

All in all, I really enjoyed this pregnancy. It didn't have as much fanfare (first had 4 baby showers) but in many ways, it was more exciting. Luna enjoyed learning about the baby along with me. She was my birth partner, of sorts. She was so disappointed if she ever missed a visit to the midwife. Hopefully, she learned a lot about herself and about the power of women through this process that will stay with her. She is amazing. I hope she will always remember that.

Towards the end of the pregnancy, I started to get sad that I would not be pregnant anymore. I can't explain it, but I LOVE being pregnant. I really do. Although it is not official, I am pretty sure we won't have more children. I really got sad sometimes thinking that it would be my last time feeling a little person growing inside of me-- it is an inexplicably powerful and life-affirming feeling. Although I went 2 days over my alleged due date, I never got that anxious "I-want-this-baby-out" feeling. I really enjoyed those last few weeks especially. I felt so healthy and energetic. I can honestly say that I felt like the Most Beautiful Woman in the World the day I went into labor.

(Stay tuned for the Labor and Delivery Story, Bridgie... soon to come, I promise)

Fun with the Webcam

totally out of order...

Had just arrived home from the hospital-- 9ish at night... called Grandma and Grandpa on SKYPE and took some snapshots.

Sweet sunny day with babe in his spot (Moby Wrap)
More "belly2belly" action

I'm just learning and Luna is obsessed. These videos were taken a few days before Tommy arrived.