He is finally asleep. As he gets more and more active, going to sleep (especially naps) are becoming increasingly difficult. In the past few weeks, there have been days it has taken 45-60 minutes to get him to sleep. Needless to say, I am furious for a good amount of that time and do and say things I shouldn't.
It is a sunny February Sunday. I have nothing planned for the day. Really... nothing. I am not in a rush to get to the store or to run errands. I have no appointments or plans of any kind.
He was tired and yawning. We did lunch and headed upstairs at 12noon. We read some books. He threw a fight because he wanted to hold the books. This prevented any real reading from happening. At 12:20 or so, he seemed to be settling in. We laid down to snuggle him into dreamland. He wasn't having it. Up and down, trying to get off the bed, jumping up and down again, bumping head against wall (this weird pastime deserves its own blog post), scratching me, snuggling, smacking my head, jumping again, snuggling.
Patience left the building. I could feel the ire building in my body. I was tense and furious. I kept lying him back down but could feel myself being a tiny bit too rough that last time. I picked him up and snuggled him on my lap and decided.
Today he was going to learn to go to sleep on his own. My 14-month-old son who has taken to joining us in our bed earlier and earlier each night (after he goes to sleep initally, we carry him to his crib) was going to learn how to put himself to sleep.
I have never tried "crying-it-out" with this guy. I tried it once with Luna and I couldn't handle it. I have never done with him as I knew I was not cut out for it. Today I felt like it was a safer option that Crazy Mommy losing her shit.
At 12:41, I carried him to his crib with his blankie. I assured him he would be fine and I loved him. I put him down in his crib. I walked out of the room. I left the door open. I went around the corner to my room and I curled up in a fetal position with a view of the clock. I find watching the clock to be very important in moments like this. It helps me stay connected to this world. It also helps me realize that my kid has only freaked out for 3 minutes and NOT the 32 minutes it feels like.
He whined and whimpered but didn't really lose it.... until the phone rang. It was Papa. I picked it up. He heard my voice just one room away and cried. He never got hysterical. I told myself I could go get him if he got hysterical. He cried a bit and stopped. He cried a bit and stopped. It was tough. I watched the clock. I considered whether or not this was the way it was going to be. Was I going to do this from now on or was this just a coping mechanism on a gorgeous sunny day when I almost lost my cool?
I haven't decided but he is asleep. I feel like a horrible human being. I know he is fine but I still feel like an ass-- partly for putting him in this situation and partly for not snuggling him when he cried.
P.S.-- Papa got home. Tommy woke up 34 minutes into his nap. Papa went upstairs and took him to bed with him for a nap. I am furious, this time with a different young man in our family.
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4 comments:
oh my sweet, sweet momma friend. you are tremendous in so many ways. do not feel bad. you are the one trying to establish routines and schedules and it is on your shoulders the tough decisions fall. papa gets to swoop in and be the cuddler, the savior -it will not change.
you are a wonderful, thoughtful mom - know that. know also, your baby will push you to your limits no matter what they are, it is the nature of being a good mom and being a child!
YOU
ARE
NOT
ALONE.
You are so, so, so not alone, my friend.
Thank you, lovely ladies. I so needed to hear that from all of you (shout out to Shanna and thanks for your private email).
To follow up on things--- we all survived. The baby was generous with hugs upon waking from his nap. The marriage survived, even after I made every attempt to "ruin a perfectly good sunny day" by having emotions. He has not been left to cry it out since that incident, although he did not appear scarred from it in the least.
Amazingly, that overwhelming moment in time has not altered my life much although it felt so fucking huge at the time. Funny.
The part I took away from this was how all of the sudden you decide to try something completely new in a matter of moments. It's what I do all the time. Then second guess, third guess, etc. Anyway, I have done the exact same thing you did that day. Especially the clock watching.
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