The Thing about Having a Blog

Is that it yet another source of guilt for me in a world full of things for which I can muster up guilt. Yeah, yeah.. behind on the blogging and pictures and documenting all the important aspects of my kids' lives.

"It's a TRADITION now!"

Our 2nd annual 4th of July camp-out at Steven's Compound-- complete with our beloved Barry County characters.





Whatchu looking at, Uncle Larry?

The girls goofing around in the woods in the early morning sun.

Baby Mama Vibes

My dear friend Shanna is in labor right now and I am thinking about her so much. I have an ancient phone and am horrible at texting (well, I am mainly just too wordy) so I thought I'd send my thoughts via blog (which she may or may not read once she is the mom of two little ones--- I am sure she will read it in all her spare time).

Here are some of my labor and delivery mantras:

1. Growing a baby and giving birth is, by far, the coolest fucking thing the human body can accomplish... ever... period.

2. My body was MADE to do this.

3. No one ever dies from pain. My body will only experience the amount of pain that it can handle.

4. When this is over, I will once again realize that I am so powerful and amazing. This is the best buzz in the world... ever... period.

5. This last one is less of a mantra but something that hung out in the back of my mind--- this experience is one that I am sharing with centuries of women across the world--- call it solidarity or community or what have you but I felt that a natural birth helped me to create an invisible bond with women from all over the globe.

Happy Birthing Shanna. You ARE amazing and powerful!

More Thoughts on Finger-Suckin'

Yeah, he is really cute when he is so deep in sleep and slurping away. It has also made naptime SOOO much easier. I have recently transitioned to sitting on my yoga ball (thank you Ms. Burrell). That thing was my best friend during my pregnancy (aside from the body pillow). Anyway, we just bounce a few times, he sticks his first two fingers of his right hand in upside down and grabs on to my collarbone with his left hand. Even if he wakes up a bit when I lie him down, he can usually get himself back to sleep as long as he can get his fingers. So... I am not such a hater anymore. I have seen the light.

Finger-suckin' Good Y'all

I think it is official. Tommy is a finger-sucker. He wouldn't take a pacifier and will NOT take a bottle. I was kinda happy that he wasn't that into a "pacey" as Luna had hers longer than I was comfortable with and getting rid of it was sort of challenging (for us-- I think she did fine). We did have a "Good-bye Pacey" party complete with cake and guests so it wasn't too painful of a process.

So with Tommy, I thought we were over the heavy-duty suckling stage. However, in the past 3 days, he has become a HARDCORE finger-sucker: Usually right hand, always two fingers--- sometimes middle two, sometimes first two. I must admit that he is really cute when he is sleeping and going to town but I have some hesitations about it (like I get a choice in the matter). Here they are:

1. I am a germaphobe. Dirt doesn't bother me, or sand or even worms. No, my germaphobia is specific to what I call "hand germs". Doorknobs, grocery cart handles (the worst!), computer keyboards, shaking hands, ewwww. Seriously, what a weird cultural norm. "Hello. Nice to see you. Let me spread the germs from my hand onto yours. By the way, I just sneezed and covered my mouth with my hand. Then I blew my nose a just a tiny bit of snot leaked out of the tissue onto my hand." What is wrong with touching foreheads like the Maori people of New Zealand? The idea of my kid sucking on his fingers someday after handling money or bathroom doors or car keys... is, well... too much for me to handle at this point.

2. Have you ever seen that movie "Thumbsucker"? Dark and creepy and weird. As a high school teacher, I always had a kid or two each year who sucked their thumb/fingers and let me just say that they had "issues".

3. Have you ever taught school/substituted/worked in a library/worked a cash register? "Nuff said. I have a tough time when I go to places like ice cream parlors and the guy handles your money and then dishes up your food. I feel like a freaker but I really wasn't like this at all until I started subbing for elementary schools my senior year of college. I was sick a lot and I became a neurotic handwasher.

4. You can throw away the pacifier but you can't cut off the thumb/finger. This is my control issue, I know.

Like I said, I hardly get a vote in the matter but a mama can fret, can't she?

The Aroma of Asparagus

WARNING: This blog entry is kind of gross.

The other day Luna had a haircut scheduled at the "fancy-nancy" hair salon downtown. I love taking her there for the star treatment AND they have a fun boutique with weird, cool things (I bought her a pair of old-fashioned bike handlebar streamers for $3!). Usually, I try to take her and make it a big girl date but this time, Stephen couldn't get off work so Tommy came along too. It all worked out fine.

After the fabulous haircut and conversation with Alicia the Stylist, we walked up to our favorite spot-- the Food Co-op. That day, they were having their first "100-mile Farmer's Market" out in the parking lot. They'll have it every Wednesday all summer long and it will only get bigger and more splendid, I am sure. Obviously, not much is growing within 100 miles of us right now but we did grab some cookies (made with local eggs, butter and sugar) and some freshly picked asparagus.

I know I am prone to hyperbole but this was the best fucking asparagus I have ever had. It was so tender and fresh. Once you got down to the thicker part of the stalk, it was REALLY sweet in a way I have never noticed in asparagus.

(Here comes the gross part.) My least favorite part of eating asparagus is the scent of one's urine for the next 12 hours or so. I never noticed it until it was pointed out to me as an adult (I probably never ate asparagus as a kid anyway-- not by choice, I am sure). My dear friend Beth mentioned it one time in passing and now I think of it every time I eat asparagus. Well... the smell of one's own urine post-asparagus pales in comparison to this recent experience.

I won't go into much more detail. Let me just say this:

1. Luna wears a Pull-up to bed. She needs one, you see.
2. Luna also has gotten into bed with us most nights since Tommy was born.
3. It was a pretty warm night.
4. I was sitting up in bed with Tommy a lot that night.
5. It was a long and fragrant night.

Milestones

With the second child comes the realization that you have forgotten things you NEVER thought you'd forget: the date on which your little one first smiled at you, first sat up, first pooped on the toilet... truly exciting stuff. It seems I have absolutely NO recollection of anything important in the last 5 years of my life. Other moms are always asking me at what age our little girl slept in her own bed, slept through the night (never), got teeth, ate chocolate, drank a beer, etc. I can't seem to remember anything. Thankfully, my dear hubby is always there to correct me when I pull facts and dates out of thin air.

One of the reasons for this blog in my little head is to document all the events of their short little lives... oh yeah, and to vent so as to maintain my tenuous grasp on sanity.

Anyway, here are some things I want to remember:

4/5/09--- L started sounding words out. While Papa and I slept on a VERY early Sunday morning, she sounded out all the words on Papa's t-shirt--- no small feat at "Building Blocks of Kalamazoo". "WHAT THE?" (that is Luna's other current milestone... I pray she never actually finishes that question)
Anyway, this seems to have happened overnight. She is getting to be quite skilled at sounding out words. I am headed to the library later to get some of those Easy Reader books. Horrible literature but they are really helpful.

4/6/09--- She tied her shoes! Also, while we slept. Actually, she tied the door to her fairy tent thingy closed while we slept but then later tied her shoes. WHAT THE?

4/6/09--- T is working so hard on sitting up! Any time I set him in a reclined position, as in the carseat or the swing or the bouncy chair... well anywhere he sits, I guess... he works so hard at sitting upright that I actually feel bad for him. He can sit up on flat surface with some support but this makes L nervous he will fold up on himself (a good possibility). He is sooo talkative-- especially at 6:15am. He has mastered that open-mouth squeal/squawk thing and will do it for ages it seems. He makes lots of sounds and is most happy when a person (okay, me) is a few inches from his face making all the same squawking sounds and having a bird-ish conversation. He will be so happy and looking you in the eyes and just talking away for ever. He also loves to sing and to be sung too. This works out nicely as L loves to make up songs and sing them directly into his little delicate ear-- high-pitched shrill songs. All about how much she loves him or about how the Queen Bee at school has ditched her for someone with longer hair or all about how she is mad at me and thinks she and T should live somewhere without their parents, except for Grandma and grandpa because they are "nice" or about how the Muppet Show episode with Maria from the Sound of Music (shall I go on?). His latest feat is grabbing both hands and pulling his arms up over his head (sort of-- he can't quite make it). His arms will be over his forehead and he makes all these hilarious faces with his eyebrows all smooshed down OR he is figuring out how to play peek-a-boo! Fun, fun, fun! (I am serious-- hilarity).

It came out of my mouth...

Angry Mama: "If you kick me in the face, so help me god, you'll be sorry."

Tired Little Girl (covering face with hands): "What does that even mean?"

Less Angry Mama: "I have no idea."

Nothing left to do but snuggle, snuggle, snuggle.

Pet Peeve # 346

Little girls' socks that NEVER fit. I buy her size, just like it says on the package. I buy bigger. They NEVER fit. The little cute pink heel section is always in the middle of her foot and her skin is always rubbing on the back of her shoe.

Reader: Bear in mind that this comment comes from someone who wears wool knee-socks for 5 months out of the year but the poor little dearie's feet are ALWAYS cold! WTF?

Tommy's Very First Out Loud Laughter

Whisperin' Update

So... the honeymoon with the Baby Whisperer was short. That was forever ago that we tried implementing all this new stuff. When I look back, we have done really well overall. I am doing a much better job of reading his cues (for sleep, for hunger or gas-- the Big Three) and so overall, there are fewer meltdowns-- for everyone.

However, I think I was delusional that he would just lie down in his little cradle and go to sleep and I would have all this free time! I did get her second book from the library yesterday and I did poke around on her website forum a few days ago. It has all made me feel better. The second book gets more into detail about HOW to do it all. The first book seemed to spend a lot of time trying to convince readers of the merits of a routine for babies and all that. I think I needed that 4 years ago. Now I see the necessity of a routine for my little ones so I want more practical stuff-- the HOW to make it work. The forum is just a bunch of regular folks talking about what has and hasn't worked for them. It made me realize that there are lots of ways to do it and it doesn't have to be EXACTLY like she says. Made me feel more comfortable taking from it what works for us.

So... we are still muddling through it. Still melting down sometimes but we're sticking to it. That's the story anyway.

FUCKS!

Here I sit drinking wine and eating leftover popcorn and wondering if I am allowed to put that as the title to this post.

Luna has taken to yelling this expletive over and over. Our usual reaction to cuss words is to ignore them and she doesn't usually make a big deal out of them. Let's just say that I cuss. A lot. Sometimes I cuss around my kid. The Mister does NOT.

So, in the past when she has let "Shit!" fly or something of the like, we have asked her if she is upset and redirected by talking about that. It feels like in her mind, there is not difference between expletives like "Shucks!" and "Dammit!" or "Jankers!" and "Jesus Christ!" (which IS a cuss word in the home in which I grew up-- in fact, there are three things you better not ever say in front of my mom, a cusser herself, and they are JESUS CHRIST, FUCK AND SHUT UP, in that order).

Every once in a while, Luna gets ahold of a phrase and says it slightly incorrectly-- i.e. "Fucks!" and it is just too damn cute. I end up giggling and then the word sticks around a little longer. When she said it today-- 3 or 4 times in a row, Stephen asked her what she said. He asked her if she said "Books"? "No. Fucks!" Stephen asked her what that word meant and she said, "I dunno. It is just something you say when you are mad."

Damn mothafuckin' straight it is... shit.

15 Years of Jello Hearts

1994: I first made jello hearts for my One True Love 15 years ago today. I took them over to his house in the afternoon. We sat around for a while and grinned at each other. Later on, when he was heading out on a date, he dropped by the Computer Lab at the Union where I was gearing up for an all-nighter and brought me a card.

1995: He called me from some island off the coast of Canada. Since we had still never kissed, I thought it was strange but it certainly made my heart flutter.

1996: I was playing hard to get at this point but I still gave him a used copy of Lady Chatterly's Lover AND jello hearts that year. A kiss was inevitable that spring.

1997-2000: Hmmmm.... living on separate ends of the earth, we still managed to exchange cards. Where was it all leading?

2001: He arrived at 10pm by train. I met him at the Flagstaff train station after 3 days en route. I had jello hearts for him. He had a duffle bag. He moved in to my place. We got engaged less than a month later and started planning a really fun weddin'.

PRESENT-DAY: We try to make it special without buying into the Hallmark BS. We get out and about. This year, we had a lunch date at our favorite Indian place. Tommy joined us but slept through the entire meal. Every year, he makes a homemade card and buys me a CD (usually Dolly Parton). I make him Jello Hearts. He doesn't really even like them but he eats them once a year. Now our children help me make them. We used to joke about making cute kids together. That was 15 years ago. We were right.

Baby Magic

A new sheriff moved into town yesterday and her name is "The Baby Whisperer". In an attempt to regain some sense of sanity, I decided to try to get Tommy on some kind of routine. I was given this book when I had Luna. We made some feeble attempts at it but never stuck with it. Ahem... we still hold hands for 30+ minutes every night.

The Baby Whisperer takes a pretty sane, moderate and DEFINITELY humane approach to sleep and general life with Baby. She is not down with the give-all-of-yourself-all-the-time model of attachment parenting that I had been using. Nor does she support the Evil Dr. Ferber's cry it out method. Her whole thing is about teaching your kid to fall asleep on his own WITHOUT ruining torturing anyone (I tried the cry it out thing once with Luna and I was definitely the one tortured by it).

Without getting too much into detail, I am floored that we are at the end of Day One and Tommy laid in bed for 15 minutes by himself and then finally went to sleep on his own. No crying! He just was in there talking to himself and staring at the light of the Full Moon on the wall. I am amazed! Luna has NEVER fallen asleep on her own except for one hot summer day when she fell asleep reading books naked on her bedroom floor.
Wish us luck for Night One!

Caffeine Headache

Really craving an afternoon cuppa. I was down to just one a day-- in the morning, but have allowed myself an afternoon cup lately. Didn't have one today and it is official-- I am addicted. My head is killing me. Indulge or abstain? Suggestions?

I know I DESERVE one, that is for sure. But as a nursing mama, I wonder if the baby really needs that second cup of ultra-strong tea.

Mmmmm... nothing like a cuppa Lyons.

Pregnancy Reflection, Part 1 (will there be a Part 2?)

It really was a great pregnancy. I have to admit that I experienced more doubts and nerves this time around. People close to me had recently experienced some very tough times. One of my closest friends lost a baby at 20 weeks and I can't pretend like that didn't scare the hell out of me. I really thought about it most around that time in my pregnancy but it felt like a reality (and not just like something that happens to strangers) all along. In addition to that, my sister-in-law who initially planned a home birth went into early labor at 29 weeks. She ended up having the baby at 32 weeks in a delivery very far from her ideal. The baby is very healthy now at 7 months but the whole family struggled through several weeks or having to leave him in a hospital every night and going home without their wonderful baby.

I felt healthy and relaxed but these two events really did shape my feelings while pregnant with this child. With Luna, I never let a shred of doubt or concern enter my field of vision. This time around was different as people so close to me had so recently experienced so much loss and heartache.

The other big difference was being so exhausted all the time. I had this other person who needed my attention more than ever so naps were not an option (I think I took 2 naps the whole pregnancy). Moon was wonderful and excited and so interested but I was keenly aware of how this new baby would affect her little world. The last few weeks were a balancing act between excited anticipation and guilt that "things would never be the same".

I also decided that I would be leaving my position as director of the program that I created-- my first baby. I am staying connected and will still support the other staff but I wanted a chance to stay home with a baby (I returned to work full-time at 4 months) and NOT pump everyday all day. As the baby grew, so did my feelings around this decision. I still feel like it was and is a great decision. Financially, it will be tough on our family as we will go down to one meager non-profit salary. We did this before but were not paying for private school at the time. More than that, though, I have long tied my identity to my work. I will need to figure out a good spot to land with all these mixed emotions. My primary identity for the past four years has been as MOM. However, I was also the director and creator of this really cool program of which i am quite proud. So, now I need to trust that it will take a new direction and still be an awesome program. My primary job now is to nourish and nurture my two children. I am grateful for the opportunity, thankful that we live in a manner which allows us to exist on very little. I am also a little sad some days and lonesome for the hustle and bustle of the work I do. I will get back to it-- just not at 40 hours a week. I need to remind myself of this and enjoy the moments with these little magical people.

One amazing aspect of this pregnancy was my regular massages with Sister Maureen. Our hospital provides free massages as part of your pre-natal care for those who want them. I adore Sister Maureen and came to rely on her as much for spiritual guidance as for the massage. She is a wise woman who always asks the right questions and even gives great advice--- sparingly. I actually miss our talks a lot and might just ask her to tea one day soon.

I felt distinctly older with this pregnancy. I decided early on that I needed to work hard at staying fit and flexible. I had forgotten lots about my first pregnancy but one thing I recalled vividly was the pain I felt in my hips! We joined the Y and I started going regularly. At a certain point, I stopped doing any "land" exercise and worked solely in the water. Luna and I went to Open Swim a few times a week those last few weeks and that always felt so good and was nice for us to spend that time together-- just the two of us. I started going regularly to a class called "Water Exercise". Its "students" were all at least 30 years older than me and two of them literally wheeled their little walker carts right up to the pool's edge. It was great fun! I worked hard at it and towards the end, had to stop doing many of the exercises focused on my abs but would just float around and tread water. The people in the class were great fun and always asking me about the baby. I even attended the class on Monday, Dec. 8th and went into labor later that night!

All in all, I really enjoyed this pregnancy. It didn't have as much fanfare (first had 4 baby showers) but in many ways, it was more exciting. Luna enjoyed learning about the baby along with me. She was my birth partner, of sorts. She was so disappointed if she ever missed a visit to the midwife. Hopefully, she learned a lot about herself and about the power of women through this process that will stay with her. She is amazing. I hope she will always remember that.

Towards the end of the pregnancy, I started to get sad that I would not be pregnant anymore. I can't explain it, but I LOVE being pregnant. I really do. Although it is not official, I am pretty sure we won't have more children. I really got sad sometimes thinking that it would be my last time feeling a little person growing inside of me-- it is an inexplicably powerful and life-affirming feeling. Although I went 2 days over my alleged due date, I never got that anxious "I-want-this-baby-out" feeling. I really enjoyed those last few weeks especially. I felt so healthy and energetic. I can honestly say that I felt like the Most Beautiful Woman in the World the day I went into labor.

(Stay tuned for the Labor and Delivery Story, Bridgie... soon to come, I promise)

Fun with the Webcam

totally out of order...

Had just arrived home from the hospital-- 9ish at night... called Grandma and Grandpa on SKYPE and took some snapshots.

Sweet sunny day with babe in his spot (Moby Wrap)
More "belly2belly" action

I'm just learning and Luna is obsessed. These videos were taken a few days before Tommy arrived.

Dark Chocolate with Ginger Bits

screaming baby... broken can opener (wtf? it is brand new. this is our 4th can opener in as many months. is it a conspiracy? is it a user error?) momentary freak out

called hubby at work. should not have. he probably thinks i am going to jump off the roof. a little slice of my day

Dark Chocolate makes it all melt away... mmmmm...

(written with one hand while holding 12 pounds of sweet sweet sleeping love)

Those First Smiles

Makes it all worth it... He woke up with HUGE smiles this morning, despite the ultra-soggy diaper the poor kid was sitting in. These moments make me forget all the frustration of the middle of the night.

All's Quiet

Whew! It is Friday. Been a long week. Little T has been stuffed up so sleep is hard to come by-- for both of us. I tried putting him in his carseat in the night so he was more upright. Poor little guy kicked off all of his blankets and woke up with cold little icicle hands.

L has been dragging her feet (literally) in the mornings for the first time. She'll even stop right outside her classroom and refuse to budge. Her teacher, whom she adores, has to come out in the hallway and cajole her into the room.

So... today she is playing hooky. All of her Public School Friends have the day off, presumably for Record Day (trying explaining that concept to a 4-year-old Montessorian). She was invited to a little party at Bounceland. I've never been there but I think it is just like it sounds--- Hell on Earth or at least Purgatory.

Our dear friends just picked her up and took her to it. We'll meet up with everyone after for pb&j lunch and possible snow play. It is downright balmy today at 33 degrees.

I am actually showered and dressed and so is Tommy. He is asleep and it is 10 am and I feel like today is going to be a good day. I have had some rough ones this week and last. Just so sensitive and exhausted.

I was supposed to have two of my closest friends over Wednesday night at 8:30. I texted them at 8:15 and cancelled. I felt like if either of them walked in and asked me how I was doing, I would have melted right into the carpet never to be heard from again. So, I cancelled. They were so understanding and are now checking on me lots. I am glad for that. I never gave a second thought to the Baby Blues with first kid but now find myself "on the verge" often.

I am OK. I just need to be careful. The winter weather is a good excuse and I could easily isolate myself completely right now. But I went for a walk in the snow with another mom friend and babe the other day. I will meet up with friends and kids later after Bounceland. I find that I just get down on myself so much lately. I didn't do this, didn't finish that.

My folks were over yesterday and even my MOM said, "no one expects that with a new baby. Give yourself a break." She always thinks everyone should have a clean house and a healthy meal on the table. They were great. Grandpa got down and played with L lots and Grandma snuggled baby (to give my aching back a break) and cooked a beautiful dinner AND folded and put away a bunch of laundry. I am very lucky.

Oh yeah! My biggest accomplishment yesterday--- I have been meaning to mail some Christmas and New Baby gifts since BEFORE my kid showed up in early December. Yesterday I made it to the Post Office (with the help of G&G) and off they went along with several other things ---- like a belated birthday present for one of my 3 loyal readers :-)

Today is a fresh day and I am feeling ready for it!

Postpartum Bubbles and Bulges

Getting VERY tired of wearing black speckled with spit up. Still wearing quite a few stretched out items of maternity wear--yuck.


I don't remember a single day during my pregnancy of feeling anything less than gorgeous. I really dig the growing belly and the full round hips and breasts.


Today, however, I am feeling rather bedraggled and homely. I support the notion that "it takes 9 months to put it on, give yourself 9 months to take it off". I am not really so hard on myself about weight or anything. It is just so hard to find anything to cover up in, be warm in, easily nurse in AND look moderately cute in. My main problem are these big boobs. I was a 32G during my pregnancy and things have grown! I can't find anything in this town that is comfy and covers and supports. I am skittish about ordering anything online for $75 + shipping. I have not had much success with bra and swimsuits online.

Anyway, my ill-fitting bras make everything bumpy and eliminate most of my comfy stretchy shirts. I need to do a serious closet-cleaning but shouldn't probably do it when I feel like this. Who am I kidding? I can't even manage to WASH the clothes we have, much less clean closets!

The boy is fabulous! He really is. I wouldn't trade any of it for a minute but I would like to feel cute for a few minutes. (I did buy some new shirts last week but it has been 3 degrees! I wear my black fleece with spit up on it every day!)

Day Three of My New Life

Today is Wednesday. L went back to school on Monday and Papa returned to work.

The Boy is sleeping quietly in his carseat thingy. We just returned from dropping L off at school. This was the first morning I had to do all that by myself and she actually made it there on time! I think it was because I had this relaxed mindset that if she is late, it is just preschool.

So, the Boy slumbers away. I should wake him up. I am actively trying to get him to sleep a bit more at night and that means waking him up during the day if he is snoozing too long. Yesterday was a "good day". Monday had been pretty rough. He was gulping a lot of air and after a long talk with the lactation consultant at the hospital, I implemented all sorts of new things. Basically, he had a shitty latch and I had let him do it for a month. So he had these horrible tummy aches and would throw up entire feedings sometimes. I had crazy sore nipples and was just putting up with it. So Monday, he and I fought a lot. He was pissed b/c I kept taking him off until he would get it right-- a really tough learning curve and many tears were shed--- mine and his.

Yesterday was better. He seems to eat less- probably just more efficient at it. My let-down is not so crazy and gushing. My milk production is straightening itself out.

He actually slept a lot last night. We all went to bed at 11pm (I always have these grand intentions of going to bed at 9 but from 9-11 seems to be a rough time for him--- very hungry and fussy). Anyway, in bed at 11pm, up at 2am... I nursed in bed and fell asleep-- probably not a great feeding. Again at 4am and then at 7:20am. Not too bad, for us...

This morning was fine actually. The Man had an early meeting so I actually got up and going. L started out cranky but quickly shifted to her usual pleasant, dancing self. She and I even had some play time as the Boy fell back asleep after he got his diaper changed.

I don't want to jinx myself but I am pretty damn proud of ourselves for this morning. No fights-- no blowups-- is this possible every day?

The biggest complaint/question I had was about taking this little baby out in the cold. I hate carrying him around in that damn car carrier--- more of a wrap mama myself. But it is so damn cold out and it seems better to keep him bundled up in there.

It seems like many parents at the L's school leave younger siblings in the warm car (running) while they take big kids in. That feels weird/unsafe to me. Am I a total freak? Oh well. I guess I will just keep carrying that heavy-ass thing in and out and when spring comes, I can walk them to school or at least carry the Boy in w/o the carseat contraption.