I Blew Out Her Candle

Last week, my daughter and I were having some really tough days. I think I have finally hit that impossible part of the long Midwestern winters for me. I am at home with a baby and often car-less. We walk a lot but some days are just too bitter to bundle up his little guy. Last week, my entire world was covered in a dirty gray icy substance--- cold and bitter and lacking any of the prettiness of fresh snow.

Can you tell I am using a lot of excuses to build up to saying that I was being a Mean Mama? Perhaps completely unrelated (but probably not), my daughter was being pretty mean herself. One morning, when I was pre-black tea and VERY snippy, she gave me this card as she left for school and asked me to keep it with me all day:

It reads, "I love you, Mom. Even when you are grumpy."

Shit. I vowed to myself to be patient and kind and Nice Mama when she got home from school-- no matter what. I thought about how I would greet her and what we would do. That time after school is tough for us. The little one is usually starting to get tired. The big one is DEFINITELY tired from a day of thinking and working. I am just always tired. I am trying to cook dinner and find the delicate balance between healthy snacks for hungry kids and not ruining the dinner I am working too hard to prepare. In short, we are all waiting for that glorious moment when Papa walks in the door to save us all from each other.

Finally, her school day was over and she walked in the door. I was cheerful but not overbearing. I gave her space but was totally committed to being positive and pleasant. I had a snack ready for her. She did not reciprocate my positivity, to say the least. When I asked her to wash her hands, she started screaming in this shrill tone only a 5-year-old girl can access. My patience left the building. I said things I should not have to an exhausted 5-year-old. Things like, "You are choosing to ruin this evening." Not my best Mommy Moment.

Once she settled herself down, she asked me if I still had the card. I told her I did. It was in my sweater pocket hanging on the back of my chair. She went and got it out and started looking at it. I went to her and hugged her. She said to me, "Mommy, you blew out my candle." I asked, "What candle?" She said, "The one in my heart." I squeezed her tighter and started to cry. After a moment, she asked, "Mommy, did I blow out your candle too?" I nodded. We hugged for a long time.

2009 Vacation Pictures

On that note... Our sweet little cabin on Spider Lake, Michigan in August 2009.

"What do you wish for?"

Last night as I was lying in bed with Luna, I asked her about what she wanted for herself when she was older. Without missing a beat, she said, "A horse." As I was asking follow-up questions about what this horse would look like and where she would live, she asked me, "Mama, what do you wish for?" I thought it was interesting how she changed the question.

I have always been a big one for wishes. I believe there is a great deal of power in wishes. I believe that you are never given the power to wish for something unless you also hold the power to make that wish come true. Straight up. I also have always gotten all my wishes-- the really big ones anyway. I married My One True Love. I have these two amazing kids. I really like the work I do. I take this wish stuff seriously. In fact, I went through a big change a few years ago where I really looked at my language and try to only have things come out of my mouth I want to put out into the Universe. On the small scale, this is asking Tommy to DO what I want him to do rather than telling him all about what he CAN'T do. I have consciously tried to eliminate the word DON'T from my vocabulary.

So... lying there in bed with my 5-year-old... I couldn't think of anything I wished for. I was very happy to be able to tell her that I have everything I wanted--- a loving husband and Papa to my children, two beautiful and healthy children, a warm house I love and hope to stay in forever and ever. I was all blissed out and dreamy in the dark next to her.

She wouldn't let me off the hook, though. I did think about a few monetary things-- loans paid off, a new car, etc., but nothing seemed good enough to merit saying out loud. Then I thought of one.

I said, "I wish that we always have the time and money to take a nice vacation together every summer-- just the four of us, to reconnect and see new things together." This satisfied her and lying there I realized I really meant it. I know we have the power to make that one happen.

New Decade's Resolution

I was just looking through old issues of Mothering trying to find an article for a pregnant friend. I found this piece written by the mom of a 20-year-old. When her daughter was 8, they formed a book club with several other mom/daughter combos. They met regularly and even went on related field trips over the years. The girls and moms still meet on summer breaks from college and cooked food related to the books they read.

I am just putting this out into the universe as something I want to do with my daughter. She and I often struggle to connect with one another. One way we have been doing so lately has been reading books in the evening. Even if she only stays up 20 minutes past her little brother, it is an amazing 20 minutes of my attention and snuggles on the couch. We have always read to her (and I do mean ALWAYS... even when she just wanted to chew on pages) but now we are into the world of chapter books and it is a whole new world. She is reading a bit too on her own but she really has the ability to focus more on books without pictures. We read a few of the Doll People books and are now onto the Ramona series! I loved those books as a kid and they are even funnier to me as a grown-up-- funny and poignant. Several evenings, Ramona and Beezus have given us a new way of looking at our own family's problems. It has been great for Luna to hear Ramona (the youngest) complain that her parents only love her older sister and NEVER give Ramona any attention! Ha!

Can someone out there remind me to organize this fabulous reinvention of book clubs in 3 years or so? Thanks.

Mr. Smartypants

Why does he keep taking the outlet covers out of the outlets? Who does this? I will be in another room thinking he is playing quietly in a room that is relatively safe and he will come to me with several of them in his hand like an offering of treats or something.

Of course, I am not helping matters (the matter at hand, of course, keeping him safe and sound) by forgetting to do simple, yet life-saving tasks, such as: closing the attached gate at the top of the second story stairs, returning the other gate to its spot at the top of the stairs leading to the basement, closing the very hot oven once I get its contents out and turn off the oven, leaving the front burner on for hours with an empty pan and the handle turned out.

So far, so good. Tommy usually comes to me and "tells" me what is amiss. He'll keep coming to me and going back and doing this for a while until I figure out he is trying to tell me something.

Seriously, though, folks, I gotta get more sleep or something.

Thank Goodness for the Honesty of Five-Year-Olds

If not for this, I might never have noticed the dark hairs that have sprouted on my upper lip sometime in the last year or so. I must admit to feeling a little offended and embarrassed when she pointed this out to me (with no judgment whatsoever... a simple observation on her part). At any rate, it was on my mind, although it took me a good week or so to look close enough in a mirror in daylight to notice them myself. This itself is a sad statement on my lack of self-care as a mama of two.

I had a moment while the baby played in the bathroom garbage can. The sun was shining so I busted out the handheld magnifying mirror and stood in front of the window. Apparently, I hadn't plucked my eyebrows in the last year either. I plucked and plucked and plucked and plucked and plucked. I am not really a good candidate for waxing as I have nicely shaped eyebrows, I just get strays all over the upper half of my face. I am thankful for what I have, though, as two of my brothers have SERIOUS uni-brows.

I am turning over a new leaf, though. While I love being a mama and staying at home, this winter stuff might get to me. I have been whining about not getting to work out and take care of myself. So, today, not only did I pluck my eyebrows and take care of my upper lip, I did an hour of yoga while the baby napped. The yoga is an old video I used to do often. I found it used on DVD and just had to buy it. It felt strange to do the same routine after all these years with the same relaxing voiceover:"Simple. Keep it simple." It felt like coming home. My body knew the moves before he said them and I barely had to look up at the screen. I hadn't realized that I did this routine so often but the old Muscle Memory kicked in and it felt wonderful.

The third item on m self-care list is writing on this old blog here. Writing really is therapy for me. Facebooking is NOT. Facebooking kind of feels like that old boyfriend you keep going back to. Not necessarily so bad for you since you are only having sex and not officially getting back together but deep down you know its not good for you. It just feels good right then in the moment. On the contrary, blogging feels strangely productive and positive. Probably because I have just the one reader (you know who you are!) and get only positive reinforcement. It feels a lot like journaling and we all know how good that is for my sanity.