End of an Era

I will never nurse anyone again. All of a sudden, it all feels very final and sad to me. While I think T and I had both been ready to give it up for a while, it just seems like it happened so fast. I think I need some sort of closure--- a funeral or celebratory cake or something.

For the past year, he has only nursed at night and first thing in the morning. There have been MANY nights when I have said to myself, or sometimes out loud, that I was "so over this nursing shit". But then the sun would come up and my sanity would return. I would get to stay under the covers longer than Papa nursing my little man and I would be so filled with love and joy and pride all over again. I know some of it is purely hormonal but the difference in feeling and emotion when it is the dark of night and the early morning dawn is the difference between, well, night and day.

For the past few months, he would sometimes skip a morning nurse but usually still want to nurse around 1 or 2am. Sometimes Stephen would go get him and bring him to bed. I would pretend to still be sleeping and T would just snuggle up and fall back asleep. I had been wanting him to stop night-nursing, right?

Then why am I so sad about it? I think it just happened without me noticing and that makes me sad. I just realized on Saturday morning that I couldn't remember the last time we had nursed. He hadn't asked for it, with his little sweet finger to lips bubbly sound, in many days--- at least five. So, I figured, that's that. I guess we are done and I am OK. I talked about it a bit on Saturday and started to feel more and more sad about it throughout the day.

I was completely unprepared for his sweet little bubbly request mid-day Sunday just before his nap. He hadn't nursed in the middle of the day for months. He looked up at me as I rocked him and asked. I took a deep breath and for a moment, thought about nursing. Then I realized it had been such an easy transition for us and I would only be going back to it to make me feel momentarily better. The transition might be much for painful next time. So I told him that Mama's Milk was gone and that we couldn't nurse anymore. I am certain that I talked and talked and explained it way more than I needed to. He seemed completely fine with it, snuggled up to me extra tight and fell fast asleep.

Sigh... He hasn't brought it up again. He seems completely fine with it. It just all seems so final. No more kids--- we made that decision. But now it feels like my baby has just moved right on. I am happy, proud, ready. And still a little sad.