Why I do what I do

I am exhausted. Exhausted in that wonderful way: the stay-up-too-late-giggling kind of way, the I-have-not exercised-in-forever-but-all-that-hiking-feels-great kind of way, the I-am-so-tired-from-crying-and-it-fells-good kind of way. Last week, I took a whole of kids into the woods for a week of magic. I do these multi-day programs a few times a year but this one was really amazing and powerful for me. I had a stellar staff-- some folks who have been with me for years and some wonderful new additions.

In the end, the kids got it. They got why all the "playing" and teasing they do hurts folks. They got why it is important to think twice before judging others. They got that they have the power to change things-- that they are NOT helpless and they can steer the train. It was an amazing group of kids-- each with his or her own set of issues. By no means did we have a group of perfect kids. We had kids with drama and tough lives. Now we have kids with hope and skills and the courage to speak their mind.

So... after 6 days away from my family eating too many double-stuff oreos and staying up every night until 3am and coming home more sick than I left and having a suitcase of clothes STILL sitting on the bedroom floor and working my ASS off and asking myself OFTEN why I keep doing this, here is why I do what i do:

Corny, I know. But I am honestly making the world better for her the best way I know how. Oh yeah, and I am really f-in good at what I do :-)

Unconditional Parenting

I feel like our family is at a real crossroads and doing a pretty good job of navigating it. Stephen did his Montessori teaching certification last year. He has chosen not to teach but I really feel like it has made us such better parents than we would have otherwise been. I think we both naturally want to be very compassionate with Moon and diffuse power struggles but I might have easily succumbed to the "SuperNanny" method of child-rearing. Lots of discipline and "respect" (a very different version of respect than I fancy) but very little compassion. As it is, we have the Montessori philosophy to back us up which has quietly been changing the world for 100 years. I always thought of it as a method of teaching but it is really more of a method of interacting with kids and trusting kids to make the right choices. I am sure I am not articulating myself at all right now. I just get so excited about all this.

A year or so ago, I stumbled upon this guy Alfie Kohn. A few educator friends mentioned him in the same week so I felt compelled to check him out. Moon wasn't even really testing us much at the time and I remember thinking it didn't apply to me yet. I kept reading stuff aloud to Stephen from his book called Unconditional Parenting and Stephen would say, "Yeah, Maria Montessori said that." I found it really exciting in relationship to the work that I do. I have really embraced Appreciative Inquiry in the program I run for high school students and it fits together very nicely.

One of Kohn's philosophies has to do with all those rewards systems people love. At the time, we were just starting toileting and people kept telling us to do the M&M thing or stickers. I remember feeling like that was really weird--that I shouldn't have to bribe her with junk for performing bodily functions she would do when her body was ready. So I didn't do it and it took a really long time but now she uses the toilet as needed. It certainly didn't happen "in a day" like some books tell you. I am sure I am sounding critical of those ideas. It just felt really counter-intuitive to me. So we have avoided all that sticker chart shit and she seems to be turning out to be a pretty nice little person.

I totally get sucked in but I can't stand that damn Supernanny. I know those are tough cases of parents who have let things get out of hand and just really need some skills. I just wish she would encourage more empathy and compassion and less military rule. I get caught up on the class issue of it all but my dear friend Rebecca has shared a great resource with me. There is this amazing woman named Ruth Beaglehole working tirelessly in LA on a movement called "non-violent parenting" . Rebecca attends the Center's trainings as an educator but the classes are all done in English and Spanish and there are folks there whose children have been taken away. There are folks who have been court-ordered to attend these classes and it is working ACROSS social and class lines. People are learning new ways of communicating with their children and family members. People are learning new ways of loving each other unconditionally. (By the way, if you watch the video they have on their website, that is my Rebecca at the end talking about her classroom!)

At any rate, I feel like all these other philosophies fit really well with what our hearts tell us to do as parents. When am feeling worn down but what "everyone else" says we should do, I look over some of these readings or talk with Stephen or other parents who are doing things similarly-- and then I feel sane again.

By no means are we raising a brat but we are very consciously raising a kid who is learning to answer her own questions, to have empathy and compassion for others and to make decisions for HERSELF and not for some stickers. Those of you who know my kiddo are encouraged to give feedback because, as we all know, love is blind. :-)

Our Little Gretl... or Marta or Liesl or Brigitta or MARIA

Moon is obsessed with the Sound of Music-- I mean, OBSESSED! How did this happen, you ask? One day this winter she had the flu and so did I and so did Papa. It seemed like a great way to pass 3 hours on a sickly Sunday afternoon. I had no idea! She had never watched anything longer than a Caillou episode and here she is now, begging to watch her 3-hour movie every day.


One day a few weeks ago, my folks were visiting. My mom and I stepped out to grab a few things and left Moon with Grandpa- a rare occurrence. When we returned, he looked happy but exhausted. Apparently, he had been ordered to perform the entire time we were gone. It took some frustrated 3-year-old bossing-around but finally he figured out that his line was, "Popping out to say..." and she would pop out from behind the 4 foot tower they had built and say, "COO COO!" Poor Grandpa had no idea what this was about but played along nonetheless.

When we returned, I figured out the reference and played the "So Long, Farewell" song off of the Sound of Music soundtrack (I know, it is my own fault for owning BOTH the movie and the soundtrack... I have created a monster... My girlfriends and I did some serious "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" routines when we were, well, sixteen...).


At any rate, her little number with Grandpa has morphed into a complete routine that is performed EVERY night at bedtime (and several other times throughout the day).


Birthday cards to friends are signed, "Love, Luna, Mama, Papa, Liesl, Kurt, Marta and Gretl". She is forever telling anyone who will listen about all of her brothers and sister, named... "Friedrich, Louisa, etc." Sometimes she lets me be Brigitta but usually I have to be Kurt. Sometimes she is the 5-year-old Gretl and sometimes she is Maria singing, "I have confidence in confidence alone! I have confidence (pause, pause) in ME!"