Unconditional Parenting

I feel like our family is at a real crossroads and doing a pretty good job of navigating it. Stephen did his Montessori teaching certification last year. He has chosen not to teach but I really feel like it has made us such better parents than we would have otherwise been. I think we both naturally want to be very compassionate with Moon and diffuse power struggles but I might have easily succumbed to the "SuperNanny" method of child-rearing. Lots of discipline and "respect" (a very different version of respect than I fancy) but very little compassion. As it is, we have the Montessori philosophy to back us up which has quietly been changing the world for 100 years. I always thought of it as a method of teaching but it is really more of a method of interacting with kids and trusting kids to make the right choices. I am sure I am not articulating myself at all right now. I just get so excited about all this.

A year or so ago, I stumbled upon this guy Alfie Kohn. A few educator friends mentioned him in the same week so I felt compelled to check him out. Moon wasn't even really testing us much at the time and I remember thinking it didn't apply to me yet. I kept reading stuff aloud to Stephen from his book called Unconditional Parenting and Stephen would say, "Yeah, Maria Montessori said that." I found it really exciting in relationship to the work that I do. I have really embraced Appreciative Inquiry in the program I run for high school students and it fits together very nicely.

One of Kohn's philosophies has to do with all those rewards systems people love. At the time, we were just starting toileting and people kept telling us to do the M&M thing or stickers. I remember feeling like that was really weird--that I shouldn't have to bribe her with junk for performing bodily functions she would do when her body was ready. So I didn't do it and it took a really long time but now she uses the toilet as needed. It certainly didn't happen "in a day" like some books tell you. I am sure I am sounding critical of those ideas. It just felt really counter-intuitive to me. So we have avoided all that sticker chart shit and she seems to be turning out to be a pretty nice little person.

I totally get sucked in but I can't stand that damn Supernanny. I know those are tough cases of parents who have let things get out of hand and just really need some skills. I just wish she would encourage more empathy and compassion and less military rule. I get caught up on the class issue of it all but my dear friend Rebecca has shared a great resource with me. There is this amazing woman named Ruth Beaglehole working tirelessly in LA on a movement called "non-violent parenting" . Rebecca attends the Center's trainings as an educator but the classes are all done in English and Spanish and there are folks there whose children have been taken away. There are folks who have been court-ordered to attend these classes and it is working ACROSS social and class lines. People are learning new ways of communicating with their children and family members. People are learning new ways of loving each other unconditionally. (By the way, if you watch the video they have on their website, that is my Rebecca at the end talking about her classroom!)

At any rate, I feel like all these other philosophies fit really well with what our hearts tell us to do as parents. When am feeling worn down but what "everyone else" says we should do, I look over some of these readings or talk with Stephen or other parents who are doing things similarly-- and then I feel sane again.

By no means are we raising a brat but we are very consciously raising a kid who is learning to answer her own questions, to have empathy and compassion for others and to make decisions for HERSELF and not for some stickers. Those of you who know my kiddo are encouraged to give feedback because, as we all know, love is blind. :-)