Pregnancy Reflection, Part 1 (will there be a Part 2?)

It really was a great pregnancy. I have to admit that I experienced more doubts and nerves this time around. People close to me had recently experienced some very tough times. One of my closest friends lost a baby at 20 weeks and I can't pretend like that didn't scare the hell out of me. I really thought about it most around that time in my pregnancy but it felt like a reality (and not just like something that happens to strangers) all along. In addition to that, my sister-in-law who initially planned a home birth went into early labor at 29 weeks. She ended up having the baby at 32 weeks in a delivery very far from her ideal. The baby is very healthy now at 7 months but the whole family struggled through several weeks or having to leave him in a hospital every night and going home without their wonderful baby.

I felt healthy and relaxed but these two events really did shape my feelings while pregnant with this child. With Luna, I never let a shred of doubt or concern enter my field of vision. This time around was different as people so close to me had so recently experienced so much loss and heartache.

The other big difference was being so exhausted all the time. I had this other person who needed my attention more than ever so naps were not an option (I think I took 2 naps the whole pregnancy). Moon was wonderful and excited and so interested but I was keenly aware of how this new baby would affect her little world. The last few weeks were a balancing act between excited anticipation and guilt that "things would never be the same".

I also decided that I would be leaving my position as director of the program that I created-- my first baby. I am staying connected and will still support the other staff but I wanted a chance to stay home with a baby (I returned to work full-time at 4 months) and NOT pump everyday all day. As the baby grew, so did my feelings around this decision. I still feel like it was and is a great decision. Financially, it will be tough on our family as we will go down to one meager non-profit salary. We did this before but were not paying for private school at the time. More than that, though, I have long tied my identity to my work. I will need to figure out a good spot to land with all these mixed emotions. My primary identity for the past four years has been as MOM. However, I was also the director and creator of this really cool program of which i am quite proud. So, now I need to trust that it will take a new direction and still be an awesome program. My primary job now is to nourish and nurture my two children. I am grateful for the opportunity, thankful that we live in a manner which allows us to exist on very little. I am also a little sad some days and lonesome for the hustle and bustle of the work I do. I will get back to it-- just not at 40 hours a week. I need to remind myself of this and enjoy the moments with these little magical people.

One amazing aspect of this pregnancy was my regular massages with Sister Maureen. Our hospital provides free massages as part of your pre-natal care for those who want them. I adore Sister Maureen and came to rely on her as much for spiritual guidance as for the massage. She is a wise woman who always asks the right questions and even gives great advice--- sparingly. I actually miss our talks a lot and might just ask her to tea one day soon.

I felt distinctly older with this pregnancy. I decided early on that I needed to work hard at staying fit and flexible. I had forgotten lots about my first pregnancy but one thing I recalled vividly was the pain I felt in my hips! We joined the Y and I started going regularly. At a certain point, I stopped doing any "land" exercise and worked solely in the water. Luna and I went to Open Swim a few times a week those last few weeks and that always felt so good and was nice for us to spend that time together-- just the two of us. I started going regularly to a class called "Water Exercise". Its "students" were all at least 30 years older than me and two of them literally wheeled their little walker carts right up to the pool's edge. It was great fun! I worked hard at it and towards the end, had to stop doing many of the exercises focused on my abs but would just float around and tread water. The people in the class were great fun and always asking me about the baby. I even attended the class on Monday, Dec. 8th and went into labor later that night!

All in all, I really enjoyed this pregnancy. It didn't have as much fanfare (first had 4 baby showers) but in many ways, it was more exciting. Luna enjoyed learning about the baby along with me. She was my birth partner, of sorts. She was so disappointed if she ever missed a visit to the midwife. Hopefully, she learned a lot about herself and about the power of women through this process that will stay with her. She is amazing. I hope she will always remember that.

Towards the end of the pregnancy, I started to get sad that I would not be pregnant anymore. I can't explain it, but I LOVE being pregnant. I really do. Although it is not official, I am pretty sure we won't have more children. I really got sad sometimes thinking that it would be my last time feeling a little person growing inside of me-- it is an inexplicably powerful and life-affirming feeling. Although I went 2 days over my alleged due date, I never got that anxious "I-want-this-baby-out" feeling. I really enjoyed those last few weeks especially. I felt so healthy and energetic. I can honestly say that I felt like the Most Beautiful Woman in the World the day I went into labor.

(Stay tuned for the Labor and Delivery Story, Bridgie... soon to come, I promise)