I Blew Out Her Candle

Last week, my daughter and I were having some really tough days. I think I have finally hit that impossible part of the long Midwestern winters for me. I am at home with a baby and often car-less. We walk a lot but some days are just too bitter to bundle up his little guy. Last week, my entire world was covered in a dirty gray icy substance--- cold and bitter and lacking any of the prettiness of fresh snow.

Can you tell I am using a lot of excuses to build up to saying that I was being a Mean Mama? Perhaps completely unrelated (but probably not), my daughter was being pretty mean herself. One morning, when I was pre-black tea and VERY snippy, she gave me this card as she left for school and asked me to keep it with me all day:

It reads, "I love you, Mom. Even when you are grumpy."

Shit. I vowed to myself to be patient and kind and Nice Mama when she got home from school-- no matter what. I thought about how I would greet her and what we would do. That time after school is tough for us. The little one is usually starting to get tired. The big one is DEFINITELY tired from a day of thinking and working. I am just always tired. I am trying to cook dinner and find the delicate balance between healthy snacks for hungry kids and not ruining the dinner I am working too hard to prepare. In short, we are all waiting for that glorious moment when Papa walks in the door to save us all from each other.

Finally, her school day was over and she walked in the door. I was cheerful but not overbearing. I gave her space but was totally committed to being positive and pleasant. I had a snack ready for her. She did not reciprocate my positivity, to say the least. When I asked her to wash her hands, she started screaming in this shrill tone only a 5-year-old girl can access. My patience left the building. I said things I should not have to an exhausted 5-year-old. Things like, "You are choosing to ruin this evening." Not my best Mommy Moment.

Once she settled herself down, she asked me if I still had the card. I told her I did. It was in my sweater pocket hanging on the back of my chair. She went and got it out and started looking at it. I went to her and hugged her. She said to me, "Mommy, you blew out my candle." I asked, "What candle?" She said, "The one in my heart." I squeezed her tighter and started to cry. After a moment, she asked, "Mommy, did I blow out your candle too?" I nodded. We hugged for a long time.